5 Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

Jess Constable and EZ at Creature Comforts have started a movement that I would be proud to be a part of. The world of blogging, while beautiful, has become a bit unrealistic. These ladies started a movement to draw back the curtain & show the reality of bloggers and their lives. I want to participate and feel fairly confident sharing these things with you, but I’m a tiny bit worried at the same time. I’ve been reading all the posts that have already been written and published and I’m very impressed. Two of the people who know me best might be reading this, my mom and my best friend. I have to be honest or I will not hear the end of it. It’s good to have some accountability right?

I will spare you all my deep dark secrets today and just limit myself to five. So here they are… the five things I’m afraid to tell you.

1. My house is a mess, constantly. I feel overwhelmed by my lovely disaster. I often make lists and have great plans for a simply clean home, but I never seem to have the energy to make them a reality. I don’t think it’s bad enough to put me on some reality t.v. show, but it’s kinda’ up there. One of my goals this year was to entertain more, but uh, yeah, that hasn’t happened yet. Don’t let any pretty pictures you see on my blog fool you. There is no way any of you could come over. I love that Erin talked about her toilet, yeah me too. Enough said.

2. I have a serious problem with shopping and money. I went to a financial planning seminar today and when he talked about how much to have per month for investing, I almost pursed out laughing. Really? All of you put away that much money every month? I literally get twitchy when pay day is coming around. The only reason I’m not out on the street is because of good family and friends (you know who you are). This year I decided to have my mortgage paid off in 12 years, so I’m doubling up on payments. You might say, well Mo, that’s a savings of some sore. The only reason it’s happening is because it’s automatic otherwise I’d be in trouble. Sometimes I think about that other money going to the mortgage and think wow, if I had that I could really do some damage. One of my downfalls is actually reading all your lovely blogs and seeing pretty things that I think I have to have too. I now know, thanks to this series, that you all don’t actually have all the things you are sharing with me.

3. I have ‘crazy’ in my family. I’m really starting to be pro-active about it this year. The shopping compulsion, the lack of judgement with money, the disregard for cleanliness and neatness in my home are all issues I need to deal with. The procrastination in many areas of my life. The feeling of being overwhelmed. The desire to just stay home and not talk to anyone. It’s definitely there and I’m going to seriously address it in the upcoming year. I think it’s a tiny bit part of being a creative person with all the highs and lows that go along with it. I’m also going to work on not beating myself up or feel guilty about not being the super full time working teacher, jewelry designer and brilliant blogger.

4. I’m starting (at 43) to think I’m pretty good at doing things in my life. I’m starting to allow myself to think I’m a pretty darn good teacher. I love my students and they really like me, they really do (a la Sally Field). I used to think every group was pretty smart, but now I’m learning to acknowledge my part in the equation. I’m starting to believe in my creative talent and have confidence in my work. I’m happy with every piece of jewelry I make. If I’m inspired by someone else’s work, I KNOW I can and will put my own touch on it. I love what I’m doing on the blog right now and frankly, I can’t believe some of you haven’t noticed yet. (unless I’m completely naive about it). I know that sounds egotistical, but my confidence is growing. Don’t worry if you don’t like it. I love it and that’s the most important thing.

5. I suffer from HUGE feelings of jealousy & insecurity. I’ve really starting opening myself up to the blog community (I can do this from home in my loungewear) and twitter-verse in the last year. It brings back feelings of high school. I was a major art, book, history dork. I had a small group of friends who felt the same way and luckily I went to a small high school so every group was basically respectful of the others. Think The Breakfast Club at the end. I find it very difficult approaching a group of people I admire on twitter or commenting on their blogs. I’ve really only had one disappointing experience & I need to just let it go. I’m super social and a bit silly at work which is very different from my nature at home. Most of the chances I’ve taken have been rewarded by lovely interactions with amazing, talented, supportive, creative people. I feel truly blessed, however, I still have these feelings of jealousy. I want to be buddies, hang out, get invited, be part of the inner circle. (and yes still virtually a shut in) I want you to know me and like me for myself, my talents, and my contribution to the conversation. I want to shout, “Hey, I like you and want to hang out!” I’m gaining confidence (see 4. above) and getting better, but I’m not quite there yet.

Well there it is. I hope my two watchdogs; mom & Claudia will approve. There might be typos, I just had to get it out quickly. Forgive me. I’m so delighted that EZ and Jess started all this. Please follow the link for EZ and read some of the submissions. Let’s keep it going. I pledge to continue to be honest, even if it terrifies me. Pushing Publish now…

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